How NOT to resign from a job

I have recently been helping candidates deal with some sensitive and unique resignation processes.  It is undoubtedly the toughest part of the interview process to help navigate as so many different things can happen.  Especially depending upon how it is all handled by the candidate.  Watching the end of the Ryder Cup coverage yesterday helped crystallize some thoughts for me.

This photo could also go hand in hand with my blog last week titled "You said what?!?".  For those of you that did not watch the Ryder Cup, this was a picture from the press conference after the American team was defeated with ease.  Phil was answering a question about what went wrong over the weekend and how they could do things differently.  With Tom Watson (this year's captain) on the other end of the table, separated by only a few other players, Phil basically outlined everything that he felt Tom did wrong in putting together foursomes and strategy for the competition.

The thing is that much of what he said was pretty good and behind closed doors would likely make sense to everyone on the American team.  The bad news is that instead it seemed like Phil was throwing Tom under the bus on national television for some decisions he didn't agree with.  And today the Twitterverse is filled with opinions and funny quotes about what might have been going through the other players' minds in the extremely tense air of the press conference.

So how does this relate to the resignation process?  In so many ways that I will actually have a hard time whittling it down to a couple of relevant points.  First of all, airing grievances in public is seldom a good idea.  If you had a bad experience with a boss or colleague, lashing out at them during the resignation process is not going to gain you much, if anything.  I even read another blog recently that recommended not even saying anything to HR in the "confidential" exit interview.  Anything  you say may make you feel good for about ten minutes, and then there is a good chance you will regret it from there on out.

Secondly, be sure to take the emotion out of the resignation.  Regardless of whether or not what Phil said is factually correct, to me he said it in the heat of the moment after losing an intense competition.  And getting pretty badly beat as the end result.  I'm sure there are a few of his teammates that would probably have liked to see a few decisions go a different direction.  But they didn't.  The media were looking for an emotional reaction, and they sure got one.  Similarly, if your employer (now ex-employer for all practical purposes) is looking to dig for dirt, make absolutely certain what you share is factual and devoid of emotion as much as possible.

Thirdly, make it short and sweet.  Not only did Phil spend some time at the press conference talking about what happened at the Ryder Cup, he was caught coming off the 18th green and had some similar comments.  Rather than let those air out and be disseminated, he decided to expand on them and it seemed like somewhere his P.R. team or agent was wishing he would stop talking.  All Phil had to do was look to his left and see how uncomfortable Hunter was with his bulging eyes.  It was the same all the way down with the other players' expressions.  When resigning it has to be clear to everyone in the room that something wasn't right with the company or the job.  Otherwise you wouldn't be having the discussion.  So why focus on that?  Instead focus on wishing everyone nothing but the best and emphasize the positive reasons you are looking forward to the move.

Lastly, always be a professional.  In a somewhat unrelated moment just before this Phil Mickelson moment the broadcasters were asking a popular (and former) European golfer (Darren Clarke) about his thoughts on the Ryder Cup this year.  They also asked him about his desire to sometime captain a future team.  His answer was perfect.  He said you have to be asked.  It is not something you lobby for, ask for, or hint at.  It is either going to happen because of what he has done or it is not.  When you're leaving a job and they ask what you what could have been done differently to keep you as an employee, why answer that with all kinds of input they likely won't ever take to heart.  Again, look to my third point to make it short and sweet.  No need to say doubling your salary, doubling your staff, or doubling the size of your office would have been enticing.  Because it is not happening.  :-)

Have you ever had a resignation go badly because you were drawn into the emotion of the situation?  Or been tempted to and held your tongue?  I would love as always to hear your stories in the hope that it might help someone else who is about to resign and having questions or doubts.

You said what?!?

We all have experienced those moments where we wish we could take back something we said.  Or perhaps someone else says something so outrageous that you wish the "rewind" button on your TiVo would work in real life.  Maybe you have even cringed lately while watching any of the news surrounding the NFL crises or something in Hollywood and you wonder if these people regret anything that is taken out of context from an interview.  Bottom line is that it happens.  So how do you react?

In my job I hear stories from all angles of something that was said in an interview situation or general conversation with a candidate or client about an opening.  Sometimes it is comical and a tipping point in a good way.  Other times it is so bad that it completely kills the conversation.  And even occasionally it borders on illegal or unethical.

One of the classic ways to head down a bad path of saying something you regret is when discussing former employers.  Recently I had a candidate find out that the hiring manager who was interviewing him shared a common former employer.  Taking the opportunity to "dish some dirt" he began a rant about the people he didn't like, the bad working conditions, a terrible boss, and much more.  What he didn't realize at the time was that there was a personal connection to this former employer and she did not necessarily leave on bad terms.  Needless to say it left a bad taste in her mouth.

Another common mistake is talking too much about current events in the media or world around us.  Like George Carlin's "Seven words you cannot say on TV", we all know the 3-4 topics to avoid in an interview or work situation.  But I would argue there are many more than that.  Instead of focusing on whether or not everyone in the room agrees on the fall TV line-up or the recent news from Washington, focus on whether or not the candidate can do the job and if the culture is right for the candidate.

Vulgar language is yet another common problem in interview situations.  I have seen all spectrums from employers that curse in an interview just to see how candidates react to situations that become obscenity-laden in short order.  This becomes awkward if there are more than a couple of people in the room.  I was recently in a meeting myself with a client and there were four people in the room.  One of the hiring managers let go a couple of F-bombs and the air went right out of the room.  It took about five minutes for everyone to take a breath and recover.  It's not like we hadn't heard that word before, but it was in poor taste and bad overall context.

Lastly, be careful what you say when mentioning someone by name.  It is a small world out there after all and you can never afford to be caught saying something bad about someone else.  It could be a vendor partner, a competitor, a former colleague, an old boss, or anyone else you have been associated with professionally.  In the age of Facebook, Twitter, Glassdoor, and many other sites, it is incredibly easy to go down this path.  But you will eventually get caught in your words and it seldom ends up well.  Just like your grandmother always used to say, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all."

So what is the best course of action if you say something inappropriate or witness it in an interview situation?  If you are the one to say something, be sure you own it.  Maybe even apologize right there in the moment.  It can happen to the best of us, but ignoring it will not make it go away.  And if it happens to you, try to extend grace but don't feel like you have to make excuses for someone else.  Talking that way could be a pattern, and just like I encourage you to own it, they should as well.  If they do not, then it may be best to move on.

How to resolve conflict in an interview

Have you ever been in an interview (on either side of the desk) and faced conflict?  Perhaps an uncomfortable conversation about something that happened in the past.  Perhaps it was a recent job change that is questioned.  Maybe even something in your personal life comes up in the course of the interview and presents an awkward moment.

Imagine the five people in this picture are just wrapping up an interview and trying to determine if the candidate is right for the job.  Likely a little extreme, but smaller battles are waged all the time when considering candidates for a critical role within the organization.  So how to move past the bottleneck of conflict and find a happy place?

The very first thing that must happen is admitting that on some level the conflict resolution will not make all parties happy.  Sometimes candidates will be hired that are not unanimous decisions.  Occasionally you may even get it wrong.  Having that idea present at the beginning of the journey to resolution will make the path much less frenetic.  The key to this concept working is having professional respect for everyone that has skin in the game for the hire.

You also have to embrace conflict as it occurs.  Most people have a tendency to avoid conflict altogether.  Try to take the conversation in another direction.  Think of a clever way to distract your audience.  That seldom works unless you are a master communicator or even better actor.  If there is a tough interview question or moment where things seem to go off the rails, face it head on.

Next you should try to take emotion out of the conversation.  Keep it simple, Sam.  Make sure your talking points are objective, direct, and based on fact.  I have seen too many employers make rash decisions (both good and bad) based on emotion alone, and that is dangerous.  Or candidates react too strongly to something that happens during the course of an interview or shortly thereafter.  This oftentimes happens when an employer promises to have feedback within a certain amount of time and that deadline is missed.  Candidates tend to over-react and get angry.  Once that happens you are already in a bad place and have to claw your way out of that disappointment.

Finally, you should learn to enjoy conflict on some level.  There is conflict in every job, every employer, and every team of professionals.  If you can't find a way early on to work through those conflicts, you are doomed to an unpleasant existence if and when you do get the job.  You must learn to work together to accomplish greater things, and it could very well start with the interview.  Getting through some tough questions or case studies could help show your true colors as a team player and valuable prospective employee.  Why wouldn't you want the hiring manager/team to know that?

The bottom line is that conflict exists.  How are you going to resolve that conflict in an interview WHEN it arises, not IF.......